Big-Mac on Campus

This September, as with every year, thousands of students will find themselves leaving home for the first time and heading to university. The following thirty-six months of their lives will go by in a blur of education, intoxication, fornication and procrastination. And, if they are anything like me, they will soon find that they are flat broke, unemployable and, for reasons I’d rather not go into, under investigation from the Inland Revenue.


Despite this unfortunate inevitability, the choosing of the establishment which will act as the backdrop for their undergraduate debauchery will, during the process of application, seem like the most important thing in the world.

Most will take all factors into consideration: The boy/girl ratio of the students, the proximity to local bars, the number of Sports Science students they’ll have to endure and, possibly, even the courses on offer.


Knowing what a trying time this is, I have taken it upon myself to suggest a university that some may not have been aware of whilst sifting through the Oxfords and Cambridges of the world. Ladies and gentleman, may I present to you, Hamburger University – because technically it is one.

Yes, it’s a real place. Even I couldn’t make this up.

That’s right, the world’s biggest fast-food chain has its own university, where I assume they teach you about burgers and how to be rude to people and shit. Imagine my surprise, no, my delight, when I found out that such a prestigious establishment existed. I almost jumped for joy, which as far as I know could be one of the entry requirements.

Obviously it would be remiss of me to suggest that people apply here without first doing a little research into what the facility offers. So, I did some,  and here’s is what I found out, if finding things out is the same as fabricating them. For the sake of argument we’ll say it is.

The Curriculum:
 

A student receives expert help from one of our members of staff.

Here at Hamburger University we are dedicated to giving you STI’s (Student Tutorial Investments). This means that what we give you here, won’t be gone within a few weeks, but will stay with you for life.

The courses on offer are both varied and extensive. Although not varied and extensive enough to really cover anything other than hamburgers. We don’t do maths or anything like that. We focus on real subjects that are of real importance to today’s society. Subjects that matter to the ‘fast-food generation’.

Mascot design 101

Here at McDonald’s we are known for variety of friendly mascots, including a terrifying clown and a common thief (pictured below).

As we look towards the future we are hoping to educate up-and-coming marketing experts and designers that will help us to produce a figure-head for our brand that wont remind anyone of John Wayne Gacy or domestic robbery. Recent suggestions have involved ‘DD The Drug Dealer’ and ‘Rapey The Milkshake Man’. Can you do better? Can you think outside the box? If so maybe this is the course for you.

NB - McDonalds does not advocate theft, serial murder, or rape.

The Burger lab

At Hamburger U, our state-of-the-art burger labs are designed to teach everyone the importance of replicating the sacred McDonald’s formula. Our entire reputation depends on each burger tasting exactly as disgusting as the last, and it will be your job to maintain standards and possibly even produce a new recipe. Although, probably not that.

Can you tell what’s wrong with this burger? That’s right, too tasty. Apply and learn why.

customer service 101

Every year 5,000 students join Hamburger University showing signs of excitement, intelligence and an eagerness to learn. Without fail our Customer Service Experts beat this exuberance out of them and produce an army of disillusioned, acne-ridden, monotone brats that work behind our restaurant counters world-over.

In just twelve months we will turn that smile into a frown and have you churning out our stock phrases as if they were the only things in your vocabulary.

“Want fries with that?”, of course you do. Sign up now to share you misery with the world.

   “Fuck You.”

Public relations 101

The Hamburger University Public Relations  course essentially teaches the importance of killing destroying the credibility of those who bring our franchise into disrepute. Those at the top of our list include documentarian Morgan Spurlock and all hippies. We hate hippies. Not only do they smell but they never buy our burgers, even when we open chains in the middle of forests so they can grab a snack whilst taking a break from hugging trees. If you think you could take a life, apply now.

Ways to Kill Morgan 101 produces some of our students’ best work. The pictorial essay ‘Stuffing With Fries and Setting On Fire’ was awarded an A+ and a smiley clown face.

Extra-curricular Activities

Our students are a varied group who take part in a number of activities. Our athletic department is second next to none, with teams competing in a variety of sporting events with a wide range of results.

Hamburger U’s star athlete is tipped for great things if he doesn’t die from being morbidly obese.

Other activities our students partake in include sleeping, suffering from heartburn and binge-drinking to keep depression at bay.

Accommodation

Everyone at Hamburger University lives in houses shaped like burgers, where all the furniture is shaped like burgers. How great is that?!

NB - Not all students will be eligible for a house shaped like a burger. Special requirements can not be made to meet the needs of vegetarians.

Career Paths

You’ll work at McDonald’s. Forever. What did you expect, a position in local government?

For more information on Hamburger University, click here.