Anyone who ever saw ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ will know that no hyperbole was spared when coming up with a title for the show. Those who sat for more than a few minutes, staring goggle eyed at ventriloquists, contortionists and a general smorgasbord of narcissists, will be painfully aware that what Britain actually has are morons, and lots of them.
The Ukraine on the other hand, a country that doesn’t automatically conjure up images of variety entertainment, seems to be putting us to shame, as testified to by this clip of Kseniya Simonova’s performance in their version of the competition.
This mind blowing mix of art, story telling and an attractive Ukrainian does nothing but illustrate the extent to which our country is full of predictable dullards. No doubt if Simon ‘I-wear-my-trousers-high-to-command-respect-but-am-unaware-that-it-actually-makes-me-look-like-a-paedophile-slash-geography-teacher’ Cowell had been a judge on this panel, he would have buzzed in after about three seconds and fixated his soulless eyes on Simonova’s tits, in order to give us the impression that he might actually be as straight as he pretends to be.
Simonova herself is something of an enigma, by which we mean we haven’t done any research and therefore don’t know anything about her. What we can deduce from watching her perform however is the following: She probably had a sandpit growing up. She is a woman. She is a genius.
The performance that led to her becoming 2009’s most talented Ukrainian is a sand animation depicting the USSR’s Great Patriotic War against the Third Reich during WWII. We didn’t watch the show but would hazard a guess that the runner up wasn’t a 12 year old boy singing ‘Valerie’, or Susan Boyle. Still, cold there isn’t it, so we’re probably still better off with Subo and Scowl.