Sunday, 31 January 2010

Fingerboarding Is Shit

What a prat.

Whilst there are emptier, seedier, and much less dexterous things done with fingers on the internet, I don't think I've ever seen something quite as pointless as Fingerboarding.

The whole concept of it is so wholly and entirely rubbish, so verily and completely moribund; it's redundant of even the tiniest sliver of use. Think of the hours that idiot spent in his attic; all the wasted weekends trying to perfect an index-finger olly. It just enrages me. He could have been reading books. By now he could have created a machine that uses a super-powered size-ray to make the tiny skateboard 100 times bigger, so that he could put his ACTUAL FEET on it! Imagine that!

But he hasn't. Instead we just have this gloopy pile of chod. What a waste of oxygen. It's time-drivel. Effort diahorrea. That is just a real skateboard, only tiny. At least in Subbuteo there was a ball for the cat to peer at. This? This is just shit.

Still, it's a comfort to me that this wazzock will have a right hand like a squashed spider by the time he's in his early thirties. At the very best, he will have debilitating arthtritis. At the very worst, if there is any justice in the nuclear-smogged post apocalyptic tundra, when the robots break their programming and the planet is overrun by lazer-toting cycloptic genocidebots, this guy will be smote in the first nanoseconds of conflict. Happened upon in his garage - either whilst setting up a camera to record himself yelling "AWESOME!" or taking endless step-by-step photos for a How To Replace A 3mm Worn-Out Wheel-Bracket tutorial - by 17 feet of shining aluminium battletech, armed with the most accurate flesh-searing heat ray the 23rd century has to offer (you see, hopefully the future robots have accessed this by-then-ancient video from whatever high-security code it was translated into by quite-frankly-shitting-it Future Historians in order to prevent just-this-sort-of-thing-from-happening whereby the supercomputerbrained killing machines are so infuriated that their ruling species dribbled away so many days like this that they immediately hurry along the invention of the time machine just to get back here and dice this douchebag up with a flick of their massive shiny wrists) and swept out of existence.

I mean come on, the battlebots of the future will fucking hate this. And they'll be well within their rights to proscribe elimination as a cure. Think of it from their point of view; could you sit there patiently whilst a grunting, thick-skulled demi-ape persevered with his square-wheeled barrow? Could you resist the urge to smash him in the face with a rock as he tried striking two bits of mud together to get a spark of flame? The past is full of idiots; it's just back then they weren't able to vertically shit their stupidity all over YouTube.

Paradoxically, they were too stupid to invent it; and retrospectively it was a blessing.

Subscribe to this and the robots will splat you like a hammer to a flea.

I, for one, from the safety of my concrete-lined bunker, will be cock-a-fucking-hoop.

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